You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I wish there were birth control emojis
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
