just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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