I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
