I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
