yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
