wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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