I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
