Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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