I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
