you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Thank you for not boning my boss.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
