We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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