Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
