Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
