I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
zippers are such a cool invention
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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