I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
