Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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