i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
