awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
