Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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