how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
