he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
