i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
