mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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