can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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