just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
