Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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