Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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