Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
