I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
