she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
