dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
