Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
