I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
