Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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