his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
