none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
