shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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