Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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