I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
