Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
