i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
