I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My vagina just recognized that song.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
