He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
There's even glitter on my cock...
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