you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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