his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I need to calm my uterus...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
