I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
