My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
