i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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