so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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