marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
